employ/admit/accept/like me....please?

I've been fairly preoccupied with applications lately--mostly for graduate school, but also for work. Point is, I'm distributing my C.V. to anyone who'll look at it. Including you! (Mideast posts to resume shortly, inshallah.)

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B.S., School of Life, 2012

GPA: Not so hot

Test Scores: Smart enough

Rec Letters: I think I can get a prof to like my facebook status?

Work Experience:

Swim Coach. 6 years of progressively less-wet employment. (I don’t get in the water anymore.)

-          Convinced small child to put his face in the pool

-          Dealt with crying people—male and female, ages 5 to 20-something

-          Successfully maintained relationships with feuding families.

Babysitter. Twice.

-          Equated years of supervised play with brother to “babysitting experience”

-          Stole crackers and peanut butter from the cupboard while the kids slept

Volunteer/Leadership:

Sister. 20 years.

-          Communicate regularly with the only technology-adverse teen on the planet

-          Share things

-          Forge alliance against parents, often to procure goods, such as ice cream.

Friend. Off and on.

-          Belatedly reply to emails

Languages:

Nerd, mother tongue.

Northern California Slang, professionally proficient (see: Swim Coach).

Sarcasm, beginner.